TheOriginalJada.com

If I was to describe my relationship style in regards to my marriage, I would be tempted to say I am a “throwback” to an earlier era. In all honesty though, I don’t know if that’s accurate because I don’t really know what 1950’s housewifery was all about, other than what I’ve seen on TV and in the movies and I’m loathe to believe that’s realistic. And to say that I subscribe to traditional gender roles is too much of an oversimplification. So, I’m not going to waste too much time and try to label it. Instead, I’ll give some examples of concrete things I make a priority in order to help make my relationship run smoothly and well.

I feel obligated to preface this with the disclaimer that I don’t assume to speak for anyone else and I don’t intend this to be advice to others. It’s simply a few things that work for me.

1. My husband does his job and I do mine.

I think this is an area that is more obvious and concrete in marriages where both people work outside of the home, but one that gets murky and potentially dangerous when one person is a full time homemaker. I consider my primary job responsibilities to be: the care and feeding of our children, myself and my husband; the care and maintenance of our home; the management of our finances and bill paying. My husband’s primary job responsibilities occur at his office and they involve patients and charting and billing and a bunch of other stuff that’s none of my business, and I prefer to keep it that way. He also earns a paycheck and has it direct deposited into our account. He doesn’t ask me to do a pap smear on his patients and I don’t ask him to do the laundry. It’s a clear little division of labor we have going on.

One thing I have seen over and over again amongst other stay at home Moms I know, is they expect or want their husband to take over with the kids or the house as soon as he gets home so they can “have a break.” Yeah sorry, but I don’t think it should work like that. Otherwise, when does he get a break? It’s not going to take too long of his working all day only to come home to a messy house, a frazzled wife, a crying baby and nothing ready for dinner for him to no longer *want* to come home at the end of the day. Yikes! That doesn’t sound like a good design for marital and familial happiness now, does it?

With a little bit of organization and planning, and a good dose of effort and initiative, I can have things together and serene so that the evenings are a time of relaxation and fun for the whole family. My days are structured and scheduled, not unlike a workday at an office, and I get my shit done. That way, we all get to play and enjoy the evenings.

Same goes for the weekends. During the week, I try and get all the errands and major housework out of the way, so we’re not running around with every other crazed family on Saturday and Sunday trying to cram everything in, and instead we can focus on fun. On Fridays I make sure to change the sheets on the bed, get the laundry done, stock the kitchen with food, get the house clean and make sure the babysitter is lined up on the weekends we have date night. Then for the rest of the weekend we are free to pretty much do what we want and just do simple tidying and maintenance work.

2. Making myself attractive to my husband is important to me and a priority.

I don’t really care if other people think I’m hot [although let’s be honest, it’s nice when it happens] but I do care very much that my husband finds me hot. I don’t have an expectation that I have to be perfect 24/7, or ever, really. But I do want him to be proud to be seen with me, to think he’s lucky to be married to me and to get a big ol’ boner because of me when we’re having sex. To be, you know, blunt.

In order to make it happen, I hit the gym and I hit it hard several times a week, and I eat a healthy, moderate diet. I also get my hair cut and colored like clock work, and get my mani/pedis, wear makeup and I don’t schlump around in stretched out “yoga pants” [that never see the inside of a yoga studio] and ratty T’s. In other words, I keep myself up to the degree that I did when we first met and he fell in love and lust with me. I don’t expect to never age, either. But I do intend to strive to be the best looking 36 [or 40 or 50 or 60 …] year old that I can be.

I think it is not only tragically unfair but also very dangerous to let yourself go, to stop caring about yourself and to stop putting in an effort for your spouse after you get married. Unfortunately, it is also very, very common. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have seen it on the playgrounds and heard women talking about cutting all their hair off and not wearing makeup anymore because they “don’t have time.” My only response? Make time.

Oh, and I always make sure my underwear is tip top and I always wear something cute to bed. Always. Always.

Marriage is work, have no doubt about it. But, I love my job.